We are excited to bring to our readers a guest post by Maha Huneidi!
Fear is a very broad subject, and children at different ages are afraid for different reasons. According to developmental psychologist Jean Piaget, kids aged 2-7 are afraid of things not based on reality. At this age kids endow animals, as well as inanimate object with feelings. They believe in magic and they think that everyone and everything thinks and feels exactly like they do, which is why at this age kids are usually afraid of monsters and ghosts.
I think it’s counterproductive for parents to dismiss such fears as not real. As far as the child is concerned, they’re very real and there’s no way a child at this age will believe you if you said that there’s no such thing as monsters. I was afraid of monsters and of the dark -where monsters lurked- as a child. My parent did come into my room and looked for them to prove to me that they didn’t exist. Of course they didn’t exist when the lights were on! As far as I was concerned monsters were afraid of light and of adults, which is why they scattered when adults came into the room and turned on the lights!
My younger son had nightmares on and off when he was six. I didn’t make him go back to his bed, and my husband protested because he thought that our son would get used to sleeping in our bed, and for good reason too. We had some friends who’s kids didn’t outgrow that habit till they were 9 or 10. I knew that that wouldn’t be the case with my son because kids get into this habit at a much younger age. I think that this problem arises from separation anxiety, and not from nightmares or fear of monsters.
Anyway, I told my husband that I couldn’t send him back to his room because I was afraid as a child, and I knew how real his fear was. I didn’t know how else to deal with his fear at that time, and I hadn’t read anything about Jean Piaget. All I knew was that my son’s fear was as real as mine was at his age. He never got into the habit of sleeping in our bed. The few times he had nightmares I let him crash with us till dawn, then I’d take him back to his bed when he felt comfortable enough to go back. Luckily, he soon outgrew his fear.
Come to think of it my older son had nightmares three nights in a row, when he was four, after his grandfather died. I let him crash with us too, but by the third night I was curious, so I asked him about his nightmare and he said that a man comes in through the window, every night, and just sits on the chair by his bed. I asked him who the man was, and he told me that it was his grandfather. I told him, “You know what? I think granddad is worried about you and just wants to make sure that you’re alright.” The nightmares stopped! I’m not sure if it’s what I told him, or if the nightmares had just taken their course, but I do think that it’s a good idea to discuss fears with kids. It gives them a chance to express their feelings, and I think when you talk about a problem you see it in a different light. It’s usually not as bad as it seemed before you talked about it. I’ve read a lot of self help/spiritual books since, and they’ve taught me a lot about empowerment.
In retrospect, if I had known better then, I would’ve given my children the tools that I gave my granddaughter in my picture book “When Monsters get Lonely,” by teaching them that our thoughts are like magic, they create our live. Kids at that age believe in magic and, I feel, that they would naturally follow the advice of thinking happy thoughts instead of scary ones.
Again, in retrospect, I would’ve taught my kids meditation http://www.empowerment-and-kids.com/meditation-for-children.html. Unfortunately, I didn’t start to meditate till after my kids had outgrown their fears.
Thankfully, I did the right thing by not dismissing their fears, by helping them express themselves, by talking about their fears, and by keeping a regular routine in our house, which is a great help because it makes kids feel safe when they know what to expect.
Maha Huneidi is a wife, mother and now grandmother, who finally found out what she wants to be when she grows up. This book is the first step of her journey. She lives in Portland, Oregon.
Thanks for hosting Maha Huneidi and sharing some great tips with us.
Thank you for this. My 2 year old has been fearing “Mensters” for the past few weeks.
Glad my post was of some help. You can visit http://www.empowerment-and-kids.com/ for more on this subject
When my son was in his twos, one night he suddenly screamed from his bedroom that Big Bird was looking at him (he had a nice, friendly {up to that point} framed poster of Sesame Street characters on the wall.) I rushed to his room (widowed mom, so on my own.) When I realized what he was afraid of, my immediate impulse was to say that that poster had always been in his room, he loved the characters, and there was nothing scary about Big Bird. Instead, noticing the genuine fear on my little son’s face, I snatched the poster off the wall, took it out of its frame and wadded it up and shoved it in the kitchen trash can. He went right back to sleep after that–and still liked Sesame Street in the day time. It was not what adults would consider rational thinking, but it’s entirely in keeping with toddler thinking–that’s the key point in parenting, you have to understand child development.
I am so glad you mentioned Piaget. Every parent, school teacher. and day care worker should know Piaget’s work.
You did the right thing Mary Beth, you addressed his fear.